Rambles of a confused mind

There is so much on my mind that I really have no idea where to start.

I guess I will start by saying the weather is amazing! Lately, it has been pretty warm outside. A little windy, but hey, when you live next to the mountains, it is to be expected. I would love to go for a hike today, but I am not so sure that will happen.

Which brings me to my next thought in my head. I am really hurt and upset currently. I don't know really why I am feeling SO down about this but I really do. I feel SO left out. Two wives from my husband's company were tagged in pictures from 2 days ago. They went on a hike. I don't work, I have no children, I am really honestly free. I thought I got along well with both of these wives, but now I just completely feel left out! I don't know the whole story, who invited who, how they got it all together, etc., but I can tell you I have expressed to both of them MANY times that I would love to hang out with them or to do something together. I have been working out, HARD, and really working toward some goals, and a hike would have been a really nice change of pace. But instead, for some reason that day, I was at home, bummed out for some reason, not wanting to work out, and just really blah. Didn't help that my dr. appt. I had the day before that wasn't exactly the best appt. I have ever had.

Which comes to the next thought in my head. I have had knee problems since I was around 14 years old. My entire Jr. year and Sr. year of high school I went though physical therapy for my knee. That was all they ever did for me. My doctor at the time wasn't the best doctor I could have seen, and if I wasn't in a major sport, I was not seen as a priority. It pretty much got put on the back burner and I was told to deal with it. Well, anyone who knows me well, knows that I love to run. I love to just go for a jog or something. Clear my head. I have done this for a long time. Well just this past 2 months, I started jogging outside again because the weather here has been amazing and I HATE running on treadmills. (Which I did throughout the winter) Well, on one of my first jogs, I felt a snap in my knee, pain, and it has stayed and gets worse with walking, going to the dog park, going up and down steps, bending down, etc. I made an appt. for my knee along with some other things, and finally had my appt. The doctor told me he thinks I may have a meniscus tear and he wants an MRI and I had to get an xray. I am bummed because not only will this, along with everything else going wrong in my life it seems, will be another wall in the road I am traveling that could potentially stop me in achieving my dreams. Surgery will hurt me BIG TIME, however, I am glad I am finally getting answers and I am getting some much needed attention for my knee.

Anyway, on another note, I am off to another day, and I am sure I will be on again. Just a few things I REALLY needed to get out. I know it may seem confusing seeing as only a FEW people know everything going on and can actually fill in the blanks, but it's another gorgeous day out and I plan to be outside for some of it. Have a great weekend!

Knowing, and not knowing

Knowledge is power... right? There are a lot of things I do know but there are plenty of things that I don't know, and not so sure I ever will know. I grow and learn every day. I am constantly growing and constantly learning. Whether it is observing, making the mistake and taking it as a lesson, or actually researching something.

But what I do know is my love for my husband is unconditional. Deployments, missions, training... all time spent apart. So how does a newlywed start a brand new marriage with my other half gone? Well guess what... I don't know. BUT what I do know...

• I know I would rather have him between deployments, missions, training, than have anyone else every single day.
• I know the Army will ALWAYS come first
• I know I represent him and the Army. My actions will always reflect upon my husband
• I know I will NEVER be able to make plans. A phone call changes plans in a heart beat but as long as he’s home, it means nothing to break a plan
• I know the little things are what it’s really about
• It doesn’t matter how many deployments you’ve been through, they never get easier
• The thought of being alone for deployments or mission’s don’t bother me. The fear of being alone for a lifetime - does
• Technology can be a double-sided sword. One side delivering his face; the other, a brutal live action feed of explosions and camouflage
• Murphy’s Law is a constant companion. The moment he walks out the door, anything that can break, collapse, bleed, or explode - will
• Five hours of uninterrupted sleep is a gift from the deployment gods. No dreams, no thoughts.
• Holidays are hard, but manageable
• Deployments come and go, but sand from his boots never leaves
• Nothing can replace a handwritten letter. Through those folded pages, he is holding my hand and whispering in my ear.
• The silence in communication following a war zone attack is agonizing. BUT - no news, is good news - RIGHT?!
• Laughter is a powerful ally
• Cereal is always a dinner option
• You CAN do it - it’s hard, but harder for them
• Live in each moment together
• Welcome home kisses are sweeter than the finest chocolates
• Anger will be there - depression will hold me tight - but the happiness from his voice will make it all disappear 
• A military spouse will often hold his/her tongue
• The sound of a bugle can make my heart swell with pride, or collapse in sorrow
• Duct tape can fix nearly anything
• Despite those who tell me “I knew what I was signing up for” you never FULLY know until you live every day in their shoes

I know how to be independent (well learning) but still share my life with my husband. I know how to change the oil in my vehicle, load and shoot a gun properly, how to defend myself if needed, and how to get myself out of bed in the morning's even on my hardest days.

But there are ALWAYS things I don't know

• I don't know how to hug him so it lasts forever, or make sure my kiss is enough to make him never forget.
• I don't know how to feel content without actually saying goodbye like it's the last time, but saying goodbye in a satisfying manner so that I feel I had the chance to say goodbye in case it's at the foot of a pine box
• I'm not willing to learn how to pretend he doesn't exist, to keep him out of my life while it goes on without him, or to build a wall so high he has no way to scale over it. 
• I don't know how to fully comfort him at night and to make his nightmare's go away. Or my nightmare's either
• I don't know how to adjust to his presence in our home after long departures. Or for that matter, how to stop staring at him in disbelief I get to be so lucky to have him and he is home
• I can't and do not understand those who question my desire to stay with him or those who tell me that it is inevitable that either he or I will cheat. REALLY?!
• I am amazed and don't know how he still laughs, smiles, and has that sparkle in his eyes after everything he has seen. He is my HERO
• I don't know how to give up. I don't know how to not be proud, how to not love him with everything I have, or how to be truly happy when something amazing happens and he is not here to share it with me.

I don't know how to not cry when he leaves or when he returns, I don't know how to pull my hands and arms away from him. I will never know how to walk away from this amazing man when many choose to sit while he stands.

I know that no matter what or where, he will ALWAYS have my heart. I will support him all the way. Soldier or civilian, he is my husband and that comes first to me. Good or bad, sickness and in health, always and forever, I will be here. Learning and growing, but always growing together. 

I miss you

I'm just having a bad night.

I got to see him today thanks to skype for a little while finally! I kept busy all day and finally got home, ate dinner, and crashed on the couch with the dogs. I just can't help but feeling sad and down tonight. I have cried and still feel like I have more inside. I just really really really miss him. I know other people have it worse than I do. I know he will be home soon. I know all of this but AHHH! =*(

It gets worse at night. I miss that "ready for bed sweets?" That cuddling and good night kiss and sleep well, sweet dreams, and I love you as we are laying in bed side by side. I miss his arms around me, those kisses on my forehead, him coming home and immediately coming to me wrapping his arms around me, giving me a kiss hello and talking to me about his day and how my day was. I miss the ACU's all over the living room floor and stupid socks!

Tears, tears, and more tears. But it's okay. Whenever I start feeling sad because I miss him, it reminds me how lucky I am to have someone so special to miss. 


I know I am lucky. The luckiest girl in the world to be loved by him!

Dear February

Please go by quickly.

I shall be spending the entire month of February, in my big house, with my two puppies, alone. SIGH. Such is life when you are an Army Wife.

On other notes, we are doing amazing! Within the next 6 months, a house (of our own), a baby, and my new vehicle are coming into play. This weekend we are going to talk to a realtor and start looking at homes to buy. We will either buy a house if we can find the perfect one, or we will be building. We already found my new vehicle and when he comes back in Feb. we will be going to get it. ( 2011 white jeep compass ) SO EXCITED! We have also talked about children and we may possibly be trying within the next 6 months.

OH, did I mention FIJI!!!! Yes, we are taking a trip to Fiji. ( pending a few things.. aka ARMY ) Hello honeymoon, tropics, scuba diving, and drinks on the beach! I got to start tanning and I am really excited! Wow, this year is amazing!!! I am married to the love of my life, we have an AMAZING relationship, we are going through some exciting adventures together, and everything is really going forward for us!

The puppy is doing great and growing so quickly! He is really smart. I am very proud of the dogs. They are doing so well. Shawn and I are doing amazing, and he is doing well in general. I am so involved with his company and they are always inviting me to do activities and come in for lunch, and PT. They are a great group!

I got my hair done yesterday and I finally found my place to go! I am really excited because I am really really really picky about my hair. She is awesome and knows what she is doing. She is so much fun too. I am really glad I found her.

Anyway, just an update of 2011 so far.

Walking in his shoes

Today was amazing! I got an awesome opportunity to walk in an EOD tech's shoes.. sort of. Today I was invited to come on post to Shawn's company and wear the bomb suit. I came in and they put me in a bomb suit and had me doing obstacles, and different task that tech's have to do with the suit on. I can tell you now, IT IS HARD! It was pretty heavy, hard to move, and difficult to perform everyday task. I had to squat down and come back up, pick a coin up off of the ground, walk back and forth, run, and the funnest of them all... lay on my back and GET UP with no help. I wish it was video tapped because it was hilarious from my stand point I can just imagine what it was like to watch me. BUT, I did it and I got up all on my own! I was so proud and so was Shawn. Everyone that was watching was yelling and supportive and telling me I could do it. It was great and I will never forget this experience. 

I have a huge respect for those men and women because I only went through about an hours worth of it and they go through soooo much more! 

It was amazing! That is all I can continue to say. But anyway, I now have decided to start working out because my strength has disappeared.. HAHA. 

Our First Christmas

Today was honestly hard for me. For the past month, I haven't been even close to the Christmas spirit. No snow, no really really really close friends here with me, no family, and it just wasn't the same. I have been in an anti-Christmas state of mind.

Well it was Christmas today and I got to spend it with the mother in law, father in law, and grandparents (the mr's). It was a good day being with them all!!! I really love spending time with them but I truly miss my friends and family. I have friends here and they are great but it is really strange your first Christmas away. 1000 miles away.

We had a decent morning, opening presents and chatting. Then lunch the Mr. and I took time to ourselves and went to town looking for places open to gather a few items. We came home and made dinner and had dinner together. Which might I add, turned out amazing. After, we played games with friends and had a great evening together. Our first Christmas!!! Turned out great!

Well, next step is my birthday. I can't wait! We are having a masquerade ball theme birthday party for me and everyone is getting together for it. I am so excited. I get my outfit this week!! The girl's are dressing up for it too and the guys are just coming along for the celebration and alcohol. HAHA can't wait! I wish everyone I loved and cared for could be here! You know who you are. Anyway, that is all for now.

Merry Christmas!

Our baby is getting so big

The puppy had his first vet visit (with us anyway). We adopted him 3 weeks ago and he has grown so much in that time! He weighs 15 lbs. and Ranger weighs 87 lbs. (HOLY CRAP HOW DID MY BABY GET SO BIG!) haha... Ranger is doing great but I remember holding him in my arms and him being as small as Pumba. Anyway, Pumba is healthy and up to date with his shots. He is doing very well. He started going down the porch steps all by himself and he comes back up them by himself too. He sits by the door when he needs to go out and he knows his name and the command "sit". I did feel bad for him cause his shoulder is sore to the touch. Poor guy. Otherwise he is doing fine. 

Shawn and I both felt like we were at the nurses office today waiting for our child or something when we were at the vet's office waiting for Pumba. It was cute.

Relaxing day with the Mr. today. I love weekends =)

Spending as much time as possible together is essential.                

‎"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing alot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls.... "-Audrey Hepburn