Knowing, and not knowing

Knowledge is power... right? There are a lot of things I do know but there are plenty of things that I don't know, and not so sure I ever will know. I grow and learn every day. I am constantly growing and constantly learning. Whether it is observing, making the mistake and taking it as a lesson, or actually researching something.

But what I do know is my love for my husband is unconditional. Deployments, missions, training... all time spent apart. So how does a newlywed start a brand new marriage with my other half gone? Well guess what... I don't know. BUT what I do know...

• I know I would rather have him between deployments, missions, training, than have anyone else every single day.
• I know the Army will ALWAYS come first
• I know I represent him and the Army. My actions will always reflect upon my husband
• I know I will NEVER be able to make plans. A phone call changes plans in a heart beat but as long as he’s home, it means nothing to break a plan
• I know the little things are what it’s really about
• It doesn’t matter how many deployments you’ve been through, they never get easier
• The thought of being alone for deployments or mission’s don’t bother me. The fear of being alone for a lifetime - does
• Technology can be a double-sided sword. One side delivering his face; the other, a brutal live action feed of explosions and camouflage
• Murphy’s Law is a constant companion. The moment he walks out the door, anything that can break, collapse, bleed, or explode - will
• Five hours of uninterrupted sleep is a gift from the deployment gods. No dreams, no thoughts.
• Holidays are hard, but manageable
• Deployments come and go, but sand from his boots never leaves
• Nothing can replace a handwritten letter. Through those folded pages, he is holding my hand and whispering in my ear.
• The silence in communication following a war zone attack is agonizing. BUT - no news, is good news - RIGHT?!
• Laughter is a powerful ally
• Cereal is always a dinner option
• You CAN do it - it’s hard, but harder for them
• Live in each moment together
• Welcome home kisses are sweeter than the finest chocolates
• Anger will be there - depression will hold me tight - but the happiness from his voice will make it all disappear 
• A military spouse will often hold his/her tongue
• The sound of a bugle can make my heart swell with pride, or collapse in sorrow
• Duct tape can fix nearly anything
• Despite those who tell me “I knew what I was signing up for” you never FULLY know until you live every day in their shoes

I know how to be independent (well learning) but still share my life with my husband. I know how to change the oil in my vehicle, load and shoot a gun properly, how to defend myself if needed, and how to get myself out of bed in the morning's even on my hardest days.

But there are ALWAYS things I don't know

• I don't know how to hug him so it lasts forever, or make sure my kiss is enough to make him never forget.
• I don't know how to feel content without actually saying goodbye like it's the last time, but saying goodbye in a satisfying manner so that I feel I had the chance to say goodbye in case it's at the foot of a pine box
• I'm not willing to learn how to pretend he doesn't exist, to keep him out of my life while it goes on without him, or to build a wall so high he has no way to scale over it. 
• I don't know how to fully comfort him at night and to make his nightmare's go away. Or my nightmare's either
• I don't know how to adjust to his presence in our home after long departures. Or for that matter, how to stop staring at him in disbelief I get to be so lucky to have him and he is home
• I can't and do not understand those who question my desire to stay with him or those who tell me that it is inevitable that either he or I will cheat. REALLY?!
• I am amazed and don't know how he still laughs, smiles, and has that sparkle in his eyes after everything he has seen. He is my HERO
• I don't know how to give up. I don't know how to not be proud, how to not love him with everything I have, or how to be truly happy when something amazing happens and he is not here to share it with me.

I don't know how to not cry when he leaves or when he returns, I don't know how to pull my hands and arms away from him. I will never know how to walk away from this amazing man when many choose to sit while he stands.

I know that no matter what or where, he will ALWAYS have my heart. I will support him all the way. Soldier or civilian, he is my husband and that comes first to me. Good or bad, sickness and in health, always and forever, I will be here. Learning and growing, but always growing together.